I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
