he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize
