3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize