meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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