if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
