is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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