3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He shit in the fireplace
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
