so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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