I can feel you judging me through the phone.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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