I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize