dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
