Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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