Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
