Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Be still, my beating vagina.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize