she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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