Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
