a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
