The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
