Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well I just put wine in my tea
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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