Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My hand turned me down
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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