shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
