I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
