After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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