Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize