You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
