I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Randomize
