did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
