just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
