There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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