YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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