sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
