i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
