I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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