Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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