Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
