Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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