Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
