Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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