Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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