Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
