Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
