If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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