i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
