Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Randomize
