I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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