I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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