your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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