I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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