Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
