Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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