Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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