Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
