So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
