I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
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