I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
