I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
