so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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