So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
