Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
