I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
